No More Mr. Nice Guy

Reading this book was like looking in a mirror, uncomfortably so. Glover discusses the causes, consequences, and solutions to something he deems Nice Guy syndrome. Nice Guys are fundamentally kind, non-confrontational, emotionally aware and intelligent people who are often fucking miserable in their lives. They have few friendships, their love lives are a disaster, and they are dissatisfied in their careers. And if they (or you, or me) keep doing the same things they’ve always been doing, nothing will actually change.

Glover’s basic frame is that Nice Guys are actually manipulative, unable to freely give and receive, out of touch with their own needs and the world around them. A desire to please people and to live a life without disruptions means concealing what they want, piling up resentment when those needs are not met, and not actually offering anything to others. Nice Guys are in fact the very opposite of nice.

The solution is not easy, requiring both a fair amount of inner work and life style changes, but it isn’t impossible. Basically, you have to reconstruct the flawed relationship with your parents and reach some kind of peace with all the past emotional damage. In the present, you have to draw firm boundaries, express yourself honestly, and make the time in your life for male friendships and exercise.

As the above might hint, Glover’s premise is basically a variation on attachment styles. Children are absolutely dependent on their parents, usually their mother, and attention and validation seeking behaviors are only natural in children. The problem is that for various reasons, Nice Guys never grow up. Glover argues that traditional bonds between men, adolescents, and boys have been broken, that boys are primarily raised by women because fathers are absent from the home, either working or separated, and most teachers are women. He blames feminism, which I disagree with. It’s not feminism that’s kept men from working in schools or changed labor from primarily agricultural to industrial/intellectual. While Gender Studies departments are overwhelmingly populated by women primarily researching women’s issues, it still falls upon male scholars to do the work for their own gender.

I have a good antenna for manosphere bullshit and this book ain’t it. While Glover believes there are basic differences between masculine and feminine energies, both are necessary and neither is superior. Nothing in this book advocates controlling, harassing, or abusing women. Recovering from Nice Guy Syndrome doesn’t mean becoming a jerk, it means becoming yourself.